You ever fill out one of those "Getting to know you" surveys--they don't really tell you anything about a person. I always find that funny. So let's pretend (since we are all so good at pretending) that I am filling one of them out... by the end of this, if you didn't know me, you will. (at least the me for right now)
Right now, I feel homeless. Church homeless that is. I am very glad we decided to leave the church we did, and I like the one we are visiting, but I can't say that I feel the Spirit pulling me in there either. And since I am not making the church decision alone, I really feel like I am floating in limbo right now. It's not a great place to be.
Being transparent here, I will say that I personally have gotten off course. Not that I am doing crazy things that would make someone gasp (though saying this is probably making *someone* gasp-who says these things out loud for all to read? Obviously my life is not perfect- I have always said that-so here is your reality!) So here is my problem as of late. Fostering relationships is WORK. And it's not easy work by any means. I have to work at fostering a relationship with 4 little people who need molding. I have to foster a relationship that is taking extra hard work with a husband who is away for some time. I have to foster relationships with people who are in my life, in my face day to day. Fostering ONE MORE RELATIONSHIP--it's just more work. more energy. more me I have to give to someone else.And sadly there is none of me left. Even more sadly, is that I want to have a better relationship with God. I could set my alarm earlier than I already do. I could be doing some "fostering" instead of typing this..but the harsh reality is, that when I finally have a moment of quiet, a moment for me.. it's not really for me at all. It would be for someone else yet again. (Aren't you glad God already knows I think all this stuff before I am writing it here! I did tell him this to His face too- just so you know, I am not talking behind His back-He knows exactly where I am coming from.)
This truly makes me disgusted with myself. I can't lie about that. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate how tired I look and think to myself (sometimes I really say it audibly) "you look like crap. you know why you look like crap. bc God is upset with you and if you would just do the right thing and foster the first relationship first then the rest will be fine." And then I walk away with every intention to make it right. Then I go sit down in a quiet place and inevitably within 2 seconds I have 2 people fighting for my lap, 1 person needing something else and me in tears. -yet again. So you see how this would get tedious after several tries. I hate it. I hate the lot I have created, been dealt, chose... how ever you choose to judge it. (I am really writing this to clear my own head-so you don't really need to judge it, but you can if it will help you.) I know that God isn't making me more tired or causing more conflict or sick kids to keep me from church... and I know that there are people so much worse off than I am. I KNOW A LOT OF THINGS. But sometimes knowing something is completely worthless. Mostly, I find it worthless if you do nothing worthy with that knowledge. So what do I do with what I KNOW... nothing. I plan to change nothing right now. How horrible is that. I have given up. I am fighter... or is that a big lie I have told myself my entire life? I am starting to think it is.
I look back to very difficult times in my life, and I think I have given up every time. College.... 3 years in, quit. Decisions that were VERY hard... I gave in/up to whatever was the easiest way out at the moment. In a situation I had no control over, but could have fought harder, quit-it was too hard to fight. parenting... right now i feel like quitting. (I think you get arrested for that though, so I can't) fostering relationships...on the brink of quitting. I guess I am not the hardheaded, bullheaded, stubborn fighter I was pegged to be. Maybe I am just a coward. A quitter. A runner. A flight risk...
Everyone says to me "poor thing", you have it so hard...boohooo hooo.... yeah i have it hard. But who doesn't any more. Good grief, look how many single moms are out there. I will tell you what is sad, the fact that more of my non-Christian friends have been more supportive of me than my so-called Christian friends. I think all of this is molding me to be a different person I once was. It is making me lose sight of things that I thought were true. Family is not what its cracked up to be in a lot of cases. Family has nothing to do with blood either. -just to clarify that one. I mean lets analyze something... my last "real" post is about my child sharing Christ with someone at school--it gets 1 measly comment. I have written things that are far more offensive and have gotten loads of comments. HOW SAD! What have we become as Christians? We have all become a living LIE! We talk big. but we WALK small. It proves it by all the "like" we have on FB or the things we talk about in intimate conversations. Forget all these showy blogs... get real-is life THAT perfect-no. Am I saying we should all air our dirty laundry and write, blog, tweet, FB status update- all negative real life crap, no. But can we cut the crap and stop saying how we are so excited about how someone got saved or someone did this or that. but that is where the buck stops. My whole life has been filled with this. Some one gets saved at church, but there is no fostering. you know why? that would be work. It takes WORK. and by nature we are all lazy! I think alot of people get excited about someone getting saved because deep in their heart they think "oh whew, i don't have to worry about talking to them about God any more" or at least that is how we act.
Why don't friends talk about where they are spiritually on a regular basis. Sure Biblical and Spiritual topics come up. But when was the last time you looked your friend square in the face and asked-"so what is God teaching you in your Bible reading?" when was the last time you heard any person at church (including the pastor) ask your kid "what has God done this week that you can be thankful for?" All I ever hear is "how are you?" (no one really wants you to answer that question.) or the kid-friendly "how's school going?" Easter is coming... you know what people will talk about? what are your plans for Easter? kids, Did the Easter bunny bring you a basket? or What did you get in your Easter Basket?.... wow, we have priorities really in order. I am not saying there is anything wrong with having plans to do whatever or make an Easter basket...don't miss the point. I am just so disgusted with everyone, including ME.....no, mostly Me....pretending all is well. It is not well.
My kids, that is a whole other ball of wax. I have 2 with abandonment issues and separation anxiety. i have 1 who wants to talk so much, and get attention so bad that she talks to herself a lot. And might I add has gotten really good with sassy tones. And another who could only be a better student by 2 points and those 2 points are the ones he focuses on. 5 A's aren't good enough. he is a perfectionist with his schoolwork and a pococurante at home. I can't win. Some days i will admit I have thought of getting a 9-5 just to escape it all. It won't solve anything. Other days I wonder why would God even want me to be a mom... I am not that good at it when i step back and take a look at things for what they really are. I hardly ever read to my kids any more. I haven't taught them a Bible story in weeks. I haven't done alot of things with the 3 younger ones that I did with Clayton when he was small. I look at Corbett and think it is cute that he can bark like a dog or quack like a duck... But Clayton...he knew about 50 animals by sight and sound by the time he was Corbett's age. I don't even tell my kids to do alot of things I want them to do anymore because I don't even want to have to say something twice. the thought of it, makes me cringe, because if i DO end up saying it 2x then i know that i have to discipline disobedience.... and what is that WORK, just something else for me to do. So i eliminate the option of it by not even requiring the first thing to take place. This is unhealthy for my kids, and I know it. Dare I keep going?... *sigh*
So, if you ask me "how are you?" I will say "fine" bc that is what I know you are looking to hear. But read above... there is your real answer.