Monday, April 4, 2011

~<>~glass houses~<>~

You ever fill out one of those "Getting to know you" surveys--they don't really tell you anything about a person. I always find that funny. So let's pretend (since we are all so good at pretending) that I am filling one of them out... by the end of this, if you didn't know me, you will. (at least the me for right now)

Right now, I feel homeless. Church homeless that is. I am very glad we decided to leave the church we did, and I like the one we are visiting, but I can't say that I feel the Spirit pulling me in there either. And since I am not making the church decision alone, I really feel like I am floating in limbo right now. It's not a great place to be.
Being transparent here, I will say that I personally have gotten off course. Not that I am doing crazy things that would make someone gasp (though saying this is probably making *someone* gasp-who says these things out loud for all to read? Obviously my life is not perfect- I have always said that-so here is your reality!) So here is my problem as of late. Fostering relationships is WORK. And it's not easy work by any means. I have to work at fostering a relationship with  4 little people who need molding. I have to foster a relationship that is taking extra hard work with a husband who is away for some time. I have to foster relationships with people who are in my life, in my face day to day. Fostering ONE MORE RELATIONSHIP--it's just more work. more energy. more me I have to give to someone else.And sadly there is none of me left. Even more sadly, is that I want to have a better relationship with God. I could set my alarm earlier than I already do. I could be doing some "fostering" instead of typing this..but the harsh reality is, that when I finally have a moment of quiet, a moment for me.. it's not really for me at all. It would be for someone else yet again. (Aren't you glad God already knows I think all this stuff before I am writing it here! I did tell him this to His face too- just so you know, I am not talking behind His back-He knows exactly where I am coming from.)

This truly makes me disgusted with myself. I can't lie about that. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate how tired I look and think to myself (sometimes I really say it audibly) "you look like crap. you know why you look like crap. bc God is upset with you and if you would just do the right thing and foster the first relationship first then the rest will be fine." And then I walk away with every intention to make it right. Then I go sit down in a quiet place and inevitably within 2 seconds I have 2 people fighting for my lap, 1 person needing something else and me in tears. -yet again. So you see how this would get tedious after several tries. I hate it. I hate the lot I have created, been dealt, chose... how ever you choose to judge it. (I am really writing this to clear my own head-so you don't really need to judge it, but you can if it will help you.) I know that God isn't making me more tired or causing more conflict or sick kids to keep me from church... and I know that there are people so much worse off than I am. I KNOW A LOT OF THINGS. But sometimes knowing something is completely worthless. Mostly, I find it worthless if you do nothing worthy with that knowledge. So what do I do with what I KNOW... nothing. I plan to change nothing right now. How horrible is that. I have given up. I am fighter... or is that a big lie I have told myself my entire life? I am starting to think it is.

I look back to very difficult times in my life, and I think I have given up every time. College.... 3 years in, quit. Decisions that were VERY hard... I gave in/up to whatever was the easiest way out at the moment. In a situation I had no control over, but could have fought harder, quit-it was too hard to fight. parenting... right now i feel like quitting. (I think you get arrested for that though, so I can't) fostering relationships...on the brink of quitting. I guess I am not the hardheaded, bullheaded, stubborn fighter I was pegged to be. Maybe I am just a coward. A quitter. A runner. A flight risk...
Everyone says to me "poor thing", you have it so hard...boohooo hooo.... yeah i have it hard. But who doesn't any more. Good grief, look how many single moms are out there. I will tell you what is sad, the fact that more of my non-Christian friends have been more supportive of me than my so-called Christian friends. I think all of this is molding me to be a different person I once was. It is making me lose sight of things that I thought were true. Family is not what its cracked up to be in a lot of cases. Family has nothing to do with blood either. -just to clarify that one. I mean lets analyze something... my last "real" post is about my child sharing Christ with someone at school--it gets 1 measly comment. I have written things that are far more offensive and have gotten loads of comments. HOW SAD! What have we become as Christians? We have all become a living LIE! We talk big. but we WALK small. It proves it by all the "like" we have on FB or the things we talk about in intimate conversations. Forget all these showy blogs... get real-is life THAT perfect-no. Am I saying we should all air our dirty laundry and write, blog, tweet, FB status update- all negative real life crap, no. But can we cut the crap and stop saying how we are so excited about how someone got saved or someone did this or that. but that is where the buck stops. My whole life has been filled with this. Some one gets saved at church, but there is no fostering. you know why? that would be work. It takes WORK. and by nature we are all lazy! I think alot of people get excited about someone getting saved because deep in their heart they think "oh whew, i don't have to worry about talking to them about God any more" or at least that is how we act.
Why don't friends talk about where they are spiritually on a regular basis. Sure Biblical and Spiritual topics come up. But when was the last time you looked your friend square in the face and asked-"so what is God teaching you in your Bible reading?" when was the last time you heard any person at church (including the pastor) ask your kid "what has God done this week that you can be thankful for?" All I ever hear is "how are you?" (no one really wants you to answer that question.) or the kid-friendly "how's school going?" Easter is coming... you know what people will talk about? what are your plans for Easter? kids, Did the Easter bunny bring you a basket? or What did you get in your Easter Basket?.... wow, we have priorities really in order. I am not saying there is anything wrong with having plans to do whatever or make an Easter basket...don't miss the point.  I am just so disgusted with everyone, including ME.....no, mostly Me....pretending all is well. It is not well.
My kids, that is a whole other ball of wax. I have 2 with abandonment issues and separation anxiety. i have 1 who wants to talk so much, and get attention so bad that she talks to herself a lot. And might I add has gotten really good with sassy tones. And another who could only be a better student by 2 points and those 2 points are the ones he focuses on. 5 A's aren't good enough. he is a perfectionist with his schoolwork and a  pococurante at home. I can't win. Some days i will admit I have thought of getting a 9-5 just to escape it all. It won't solve anything. Other days I wonder why would God even want me to be a mom... I am not that good at it when i step back and take a look at things for what they really are. I hardly ever read to my kids any more. I haven't taught them a Bible story in weeks. I haven't done alot of things with the 3 younger ones that I did with Clayton when he was small. I look at Corbett and think it is cute that he can bark like a dog or quack like a duck... But Clayton...he knew about 50 animals by sight and sound by the time he was Corbett's age. I don't even tell my kids to do alot of things I want them to do anymore because I don't even want to have to say something twice. the thought of it, makes me cringe, because if i DO end up saying it 2x then i know that i have to discipline disobedience.... and what is that WORK, just something else for me to do. So i eliminate the option of it by not even requiring the first thing to take place. This is unhealthy for my kids, and I know it. Dare I keep going?... *sigh*   
So, if you ask me "how are you?" I will say "fine" bc that is what I know you are looking to hear. But read above... there is your real answer.

4 comments:

rockinabbs29 said...

I really like your writing.. I enjoyed this. I like that you are real. I like reading how others are feeling and knowing Im not alone. I can relate to alot of that. I personally want to talk more to my friends about God, and where they are in their walk, but I dont know exactly how to do it.. alot of the friends I have arent at the same "place" i am either, I dont think.. not that I judge, because I dont even know where I am truly.. but I mean, I dont see them being that interested in talking, or having the same opinions as me, so its tough. But anyway, keep writing the real stuff, and Ill keep reading ;) (or whatever you want to write, I read it all :)

Anonymous said...

Wow!! You know what? In my opinion...You are the Best Mom! Truth is...you are suffering from anxiety as well! Your all alone raising 4 kids all by yourself! And you are starting to question everything that is good! You dont have the easiest job in the world! I wouldnt want it! Yet you make it look so easy! Your kids love you to pieces! They will be ok! And so will you! You may not like your life right now...but it is gonna get better! Search deep down for your faith! Its there! People dont talk about God anymore! I hate that myself! But in todays society...how do you talk about God without being ridiculed? Everybody is removing him from the public! Its the sad truth! I was in a resturant last weekend and we seen a couple reach to hold hands and said the blessing! It was wonderful to witness! But I didnt do it for everyone to see! I do at home...at church...in the woods...in my car...in my bed etc etc...but not in public! I dont know why I feel like its a personal issue..but I do! to me its none of anybodys business whats in my prayers or my talks with Jesus! I never ask anyone either how they are doing spirtually...cause it seems to me to be personal!I dont attend church regurly either! Mostly because of the fake people. I cant stand it when someone pretends to be my friend in church but then see me in public and turns there head...you know that all to well. I can worship God from anywhere...why just church! I havent found a church I liked since Uncle Tim! I hope you understand what Im trying to say! Maybe thats why people dont ask or even talk about it!?! I love you Abbey!! Things will get better sweetheart! Dont loose your faith and your spirit! Those were the first things I fell in love with about you! And they show in your children as well! Dont let the devil knock your door down...ask Jesus to get it!

Chastity Gomez said...

LOVE the song Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns.. AMAZING song about being "REAL' with each other especially in the body of Christ- praising God that He sees CHRIST when He looks at my life not my sin because of the GOSPEL!!! I know I tend to focus on what I am DOING wrong and how I need to DO more rather than resting in CHRIST and the grace that He has lavishly poured out on my life! Allowing Him to accomplish what He sees best even by using my struggles and weakness- its a hard thing to let go of! Praying for you all! Love you!

Ranelle Porphy-Hazelton said...

HI Abbey.....I agree with what you say about people not talking about God anymore and not being able to find a good church. It is hard to find a good place to worship God. My family and I are at a church now where if you are not in the "in" crowd you are on your own. We go because we feel it is important for our kids to hear God's Word but we struggle ourselves because we find so many "fake" people. They want to know how you are right then and there but when you leave those doors they could care less, even the pastor. It is a constant struggle. Also, you are not a lone in feeling like a bad parent....I am with you on that one. I am sure your kids are great and you are a Great mom. I don't think we give ourselve enough credit with all we have to do. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. God knows how we feel and what we are thinking before we ever admit them and He is always there no matter what. We have to remember that and He loves us no matter how many times we fall. I know I am constantly falling and not where I should be. I also like the song "Stain Glass Masquerade" and I like the song "Praise you in this Storm" also by Casting Crowns. It helped me through a rough time last year. I was at my breaking point and didn't know where else to turn. I heard the that song and claimed it for myself and it brought back into a relationship with Jesus and my life has done a complete turn around and God has been blessing my family and I ever since. I also have a friend that I can talk about my spiritual life and where I fall short. We help each other and lift each other up. I hope my rambling makes sense and Ihope you realize you are not alone. You write what other people I am sure are thinking but won't say out loud! I know we haven't been in touch for awhile but if you don't have a girlfriend you can confide in you can always contact me. (570-436-5747) Remember God is always with you even when you don't feel His presence and He loves you and your family. God Bless!!