Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Feeling weighed down


I am AMAZED....yet I should not be. I am amazed that when God says that He will make all things new; He does not lie! This past few months...longer really, but the past few months have been strikingly difficult on me. I have not really shared this with anyone and frankly, not sure if I should really share it at all--but of course i will anyway! (that's just me!)
I have heard message after message about anger and how it leads to deep rooted bitterness in people. And like most other people I could come up with a name or two of people I was miffed at and should make it right so I don't get bitter. These names that came to mind were always people in my life currently. People that may have hurt my feelings and I thought I brushed it off. But the past few months, God has laid a person who shall remain nameless on my heart full throttle! I thought for some reason I was just "obsessing" over past events. -Rehearsing things in my mind, replaying the VCR tape for useless cause...or maybe Satan was at work mightily. Then that verse..."RESIST the devil and he will flee from you." came to mind. I heard a message 2 days later on that verse. The preacher said you can't ignore the devil for him to flee; you have to be proactively taking action against him-->  RESIST! WOW! powerful word! So I started really praying and resisting the power of Satan over these thoughts. Yet as I was doing that, the thoughts sort of turned. I started looking at the thoughts in a different light. Past situations in a different light. What if I choose to look at my situation as a means to later blessing? After all, didn't God promise that HE can make all things new again? Time after Time, we screw up things. Lots of blessings that God has for us. Yet, in our mistaken misery, God can turn it around -if we let Him do it through us, we can then reap a blessing despite our mistakes.
So, here I am several weeks out from original said thought patterns. I am choosing to look at things differently. It takes a lot of work. A LOT of work...WORK! It's not easy. But then, I listen to more messages from Godly men of God who preach the Bible for what it is...GOD'S WORDS. They speak of anger and bitterness. I am thinking "I am not angry with anyone". As the message goes on, I realize I am angry..or was angry and bitter. How can I know that...well, every time I think of this person or situation, my first thought is not a good one. (1st clue) My second thought is usually ....if only they.... (2nd clue). Time to reevaluate the situation. Then the preacher starts talking about forgiveness. How we are to forgive. I think...I have done the forgiving. But THEN, he says...you may have forgiven them, but have you asked them for forgiveness. UGH--Knife straight to my heart. (Did he really just say that?) Yes. "Just like partial obedience is not obedience at all, So is 'partial forgiveness'."(Dr. Stanley) He went on to say that sometimes there are people that you physically cannot confront...whew, thought i was out of the woods-here we go, he is giving me an outlet....but The HOLY SPIRIT will let you know who those people are. (CRAAAP!-now God gets to decide who i ask forgiveness from directly.) No chance I was getting out of this one. I knew someone who I have sinned against. (I feel like adding the adverb BADLY to that statement--but sin is sin.) So I had to make a choice. Do I follow the Spirit's prompting and do what is right or do I ignore it for another 10 years and say "it will go away". I know that once sin is exposed to us, our relationship with God cannot and will not be right until we confess it and get it made right. I HAD to choose the right thing if I love my Lord. I had to swallow my pride and go to this person whom I have not spoken to in years.
With hands trembling and my heart open and praying, I typed an email. I don't know if that email will be received well or received at all. But I, in good conscience, can now face my Saviour. I have to say, that I did not even know I was carrying a burden around. I did not know that there was a sin here that needed to be addressed. And I have a feeling that for one reason or another, God allowed me to not really know until now. Because until now, I don't know that the timing would have been right for the people involved. I know I made the right choice. I don't know what that person will think, nor do I really care. If I never hear back from them, it's OK. I am just amazed at how free I feel from something I didn't know I was bound to. God does make all things new! (Thank You, LORD, for all your promises...and for keeping them too! AMEN.)

1 comment:

Shannon said...

Thank you so much for sharing that!