Monday, December 19, 2011

Loss of Life

I am outraged and so saddened by the media coverage of the miscarriage by Michelle Dugger. While I might not want to give birth to 20+ children, and there are alot of things I don't necessarily agree with in their thinking, they are entitled to do what they choose to do in their home. Everyone has an opinion about everything; I am fully aware. I realize they have put themselves out there to be loved, hated, and followed by millions of people. But MY WORD, can there be no sympathy? Do people have to judge at a time of loss of a child? Where is the compassion on this family? The loss of a child is so devastating! I have 3 children in heaven waiting for me. I think about them every single day. People act like "well since they weren't born, its not like you really bonded with them or anything." or my favorite.."Its not the same as if one of your live children died". You're right, I don't have a clue what its like for one of my LIVE children to die, because the one growing inside me wasn't alive? was id dead and growing? hmm, wonder how that works. A mother bonds with her children before they are born. From my perspective, except when mentally ill, I loved my children from day 1 of knowing about them. I cared for them, about them, and took care of them. The same thing I do with my children who are running around my house right now. Michelle Dugger is no different just because she has more than the "perfect" 3.2 household full. (What does the ".2" mean there a family with a .2 kid?) My heart breaks for this woman. Furthermore, why is is controversial to take photos of a stillborn child? That child is STILL your child. Read the article here, and see for yourself the lack of compassion and judgemental nature of journalists.
I WISH I had pictures of my 4th child. The story goes like this. We found out we were pregnant. Unexpectedly. One of those phone calls that comes from the Dr.'s office saying, "Mrs. Metcalf we ran your blood work and everything seems good. There was one thing we noticed with your hormone levels so we ran that and Congratulations you are positively pregnant!" WHAT!? WOW, news! I still remember where I was sitting when the news came. I was so shocked and happy at the same time. This was not planned, but most of the best things that happen are not! I attended my OB appointment like a good patient. They told me I was 9.3 weeks pregnant. Everything looked OK, but small. Much smaller than "normal". The Dr. warned me that if i started feeling "off" I should call. It was one of those conversations you have in the desk office, not the normal office. I knew something was not right. Something looked weird to them. That Mother's Gut kicked in. They told me 1 in 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most women who suffer them never even knew they were pregnant! HOW SAD, and is this supposed to make me feel better? I was handed a bunch of pamphlets on healthy pregnancy as well as 1 on miscarriage. They told me that this pregnancy looks like it might not go as planned. I thought surely this will change. Two days later I started feeling like complete crap. My whole body felt like it was shutting down. I was cramping. I knew that this was not going to end well. I did not want to just lay on the couch awaiting this little funeral. So we decided to go walk around Kohl's. We were there for a little while when I starting having some pretty bad pain and thought I really should just go home. We went home. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I'd given birth to this teeny tiny little person. I was holding her in my hand. She was as tiny as the top joint on  my pointer finger. I could count her toes and her fingers. I could see her elbows. I could see the features of her face. There she lay in my hand lifeless. In the midst of all this, I was in awe of what I was looking at. Jacob called the Doctor. We took the baby in a tiny Cottonelle coffin to the hospital, where I had to hand her over to them. I wanted to bury her, but Jacob objected for fear of some animal coming to dig her up. So, I planted roses in her stead. They are still blooming even today, December 19, 2011 there are bloomed roses out there. She died February 2007. She waits with 2 of her other siblings in heaven. She is there praising Jesus. My 4 living children know about their siblings in heaven and they as lots of questions about them. What do they look like? Why did they have to die? Will they know who we are some day? These are all questions I have peace answering. I know Michelle Dugger does too. I am a mother of 7. She is a mother of 21. There is no difference in the word MOTHER, no matter which sentence it is in. Everyday I think of ALL my children. Everyday, even on the days I want to rip out my hair, I am thankful for them all. I know that God has a plan. I know that one day I will see my children again. Losing a child is not easy, whether they have only spent 9.5 weeks with you or 9.5 years. I have not lost a child at 9.5 years, so I don't know THAT hurt, but they are still your child either way. There is nothing that can bring them back; there is nothing that you can do to make the pain of loss go away. You just learn to live with it and the hope of a future. In those moments of losing a child I realized so many things. First, I didn't care how many children God would want to give to me. I had a new thinking process. (My mental health would later make that choice much different, but that is another blog post) Jacob and I both had such grief in our hearts. I realized in those moments that this was hard for the Dad too. It wasn't JUST ME who lost a child, though people often treat it that way. I realized that there are some statistics you can't beat. There was nothing I could have done differently to make this outcome different. God was in control. Up until this point i always said, My children belong to God, its His choice to do what he wants with them. In that moment, I knew what it felt like. I always meant it, but i never FELT it before. In that moment, I realized even more so how much I loved Clayton and Candice.  I WISH I had a picture of the baby I held. This picture is a stock photo and is VERY accurate, but holding this tiny being in your hands is so much different than looking at this picture. There was once life there. And you as a mom, sit there holding this Baby, weeping over her death even though you never saw her before. She stole my heart and took part of it with her. I will never forget her.
Stock photo of a 9 week fetus. 

Duggers, my heart goes out to you. But even more so my heart goes out to those who are so judgemental and unsympathetic to human life loss. I pray they never have to experience such loss and somehow come to know the peace we both know! God bless you and your family!


Chastity Gomez said...

Never heard your "story" before and I didnt hear about the Duggars miscarriage- so sad. Thanks for sharing even though it must be hard to remember:) Love ya!

Anonymous said...

My heart and Prayers goes out to the Dugger Family as well as to all the mom's who have had to deal with a loss of a child. As for the controversy over taking a photo of the child. ... There's a program called Now I lay me down to sleep that does just that. It is not a bad thing to want a photo of your child. Most parents are excited to get the ultrasound photo, so how is it any different when you lose a child to want a last photo? I've never had to lose a child, but one of my family members lost 2 children 7 yrs apart to the Day. Thank you for the article.

Anonymous said...

VERY much needed to be said, and THANK you! Agreed wholeheartedly. May I add still another deep heartache that never seems to be addressed publicly, that of untold numbers of couples who NEVER will have ONE opportunity to hold the little hand, hear "mama/daddy", or help a child ride a bike...or pay for college? The numbers of those who cannot have children, and WANT them, should make us all the MORE grateful for each life that God gives. For these, Mothers and Fathers Days are not completely desirable times, and, depending on how churches handle these special days, sometimes they are saddening. To the Duggars, who seem to be a Godly family, I say more power to 'em. May God grant them more! May they make up for those who cannot have the same joy, who would care for them and rear them in the ways of the LORD!

Dusty said...

This is a great post. You made me cry for your loss. :( I agree that people have been so incredibly heartless when it comes to this miscarriage. I find it appalling. Just shows the state of this fallen world, I suppose, but it breaks my heart too that people care so little about a little child.

Karen J said...

Abbey, I cried reading your story. I've never had to experience what you have went through, however, I ache for parents of miscarried children. I agree, a mother bonds the moment she realizes there is a life within her. I didn't realize the Michelle had miscarried and my heart goes out to her as well.